How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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