this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
