I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
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a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
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Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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