Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
