Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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