I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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