You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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