here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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