i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
