my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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