He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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