she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
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I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
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Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.