I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.