An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke