I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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