she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This baby is an asshole
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
