Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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