so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
