Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
