Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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