There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
