My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
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"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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