Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
