Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
