Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
