im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
