too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
