she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
