my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i think i just lost a toe
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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