so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
