Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
