R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
