i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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