I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
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I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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