matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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