I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
