My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
