I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
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I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
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the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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