apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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