Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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