On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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