she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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