Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
