Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
