either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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