saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize