I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
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Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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