Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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