i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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