I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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