There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
