im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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