one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
